Friday, 27 May 2011

Amazon Associates

This is more of a question blog, I have Amazon Associates linked to this blog but I do not use it much.  Even though I am logged in with their English account, the only links I get are to American books etc.  How can I change this?  Any ideas?

I have emailed them, but apparently it is all fine.  I would like to use it as some of the links are relevant especially for the cognitive behavioural therapies, but most of my pages views come from the UK. Any help or ideas greatly appreciated!!

House selling process continued.....

We are trying to sell our house.  As mentioned in a previous post, we had a buyer whom changed their minds after 2 weeks when the mother in law visited and put a stop to it.  I am not going to comment on that really, if they want to be driven by the mum then that is up to them; but you wonder why a 30 something year old man and his wife cannot just make decisions themselves.....

The house went back on the open market.  We lost our onward purchase and are back to square one.  We are not going to look at any other house now until we get a solid offer.  We have had an offer yesterday but not enough to make us jump in the car and view houses.  So now we site tight. Will the buyer go up? Will they stick?  Is this all we will get for our house? Too many questions, I say, sit back, watch from the sides and try not to make it emotional.  After all, it is a business transaction.  It becomes a home when you move in.

Tuesday, 24 May 2011

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy - Session Two

Session 2 of a possible 12.  I say possible because if I 'get to grips' with things earlier, they can stop the sessions but at the moment it is a one week at a time thing.  I had mixed feelings about session 2, mainly because I was unwell.  Running through my head was 'Am I actually unwell or is my body trying to take over again?'  I had been to the doctor, where I was prescribed antibiotics but that does not always mean to me that I am ill.  Symptoms can be deceptive and after living with anxiety and panic attacks for 12 years, my body has gotten very clever.

The session started smoothly.  She read through my questionnaire that I am required to complete just before each new session.  Apparently my phobias, anxieties and panic levels are still high.  Well who would have thought hey?! The therapist wanted me to think of a situation that I had last had a panic or anxiety attack in.  My mind went blank.  More because the anxiety has been there daily until  just recently when the tablets started to kick in - I can now do the shopping without getting anxious, yeah me! Anything bigger than that was a hard one to pinpoint because I avoid all situations.  She said 'Do you go to the cinema, restaurant, pub?' I laughed and replied 'No!'  Which is true, I have not been 'out' for a long time.  My husband and I are about to celebrate 10 years of marriage, but we have not been out as a couple for about 7 years!

I eventually thought of a situation that will make me anxious and it was going to a naming ceremony that weekend.  Just thinking about the event conjured up emotions.  The pit of my stomach started to churn away as it thought what it could do to me.  The therapist took that situation and we placed it into a chart.  This chart helped me actually break down the whole process of the panic attack.  I wrote down the 'Worry Processes' then the 'Symptoms' I felt. Then the 'Behaviours, Internal/External' I used to get through or get out of a situation.  All the 3 sections are linked in a cycle that feeds each other and back again.  It is your body perceiving a threat i.e the situation, and your body reacting to it.  So for example, I know I am going out, the worry process kicks in with thoughts like 'I am going to be sick, then seen as a troublemaker for causing a fuss.  I won't be able to cope and I will need to go to the toilet (not for a wee), I might faint, I might need to go to the hospital.'  These thoughts start in the sub-conscious and so sometimes are hard to break. The symptoms kick in and mine include nausea, headaches, stomach cramps, diarrhoea, light-headed and an overall tension in my body that makes me feel 'fuzzy' which is the only way I can describe it!

These 2 are the same for all situations, hence why I have written them down.  If you can relate to it, then you will also know how it all makes you feel.  Out of control is a good way to sum it up.  I hate being out of control.

My behaviours I thought were unique to me but apparently not! If I cannot find a reason to get out of a situation or I know I really need to go, like to a wedding,  I carry quite a bit of medication around with me to cover all eventualities.  In my bag I have Buspirone which is an anxiety drug that also stops messages from the bowels to the brain. Nux vomica, a herbal treatment for nausea, rescue remedy, immodium and pain killers.  Not forgetting a bottle of water, hand gel and tissues.  I am assuming most of these are self explanatory, but if not, please ask me!  I also run through possible explanations to tell my husband and the hosts as to why we have to leave early.  I am usually working out timings in my head and clock watch throughout so I know when to start saying things like 'I am not feeling great'.

To truly make head way, I must break the cycle.  To do this we are going to work on each section separately.  Writing it all down here makes me think I am a little mad! That is half the problem with me though, my head is always arguing with itself 'I can't go' then 'yes you can, pick yourself up'.  I suppose it goes back to the fly or die thing........

........I want to start flying.

Monday, 16 May 2011

Cognitive behavioural therapy - Session one

As I have blogged about before,  I do have a problem in the shape of anxiety and panic attacks.  I have had a short course of cognitive behavioural therapy  over a year ago and was awaiting the start of a high intensity, 12 week individual course.  This has now started and I am very excited!

My therapist put me at ease during the first session, talking through my panics and anxiety's.  Mainly to work out the biggest problems before we can start to overcome them.  When asked what I want from the course, my reply was a simple one 'I want to be normal'.  I know 'normal' is relative but for me 'being normal' would mean taking my children out and about without thinking about it, to take them on a train to London or just to the zoo.  These may sound like small things to others, but they are massive hurdles to me.

She kept nodding and writing things down which you never know is good or bad.  I found myself actually feeling a little comfortable talking to someone, knowing that she was not judging me.  Her responses were great and started to make me think.  The real work starts next session.  I have been warned, it will be an emotional roller coaster but that does not faze me.  I have been living with this for 12 years on and off and now I have decided it needs to be gone forever.  Only I could make that decision and only I can make that happen.

I will blog after each session just in case you can relate with anything I am saying.  If I can reach out and make one person ask for help, then my work here is done.

Tuesday, 10 May 2011

Crazy little lady

My 3 year old has decided that now is a good time to be cheeky.  I have started to make notes to myself to remind me what not to fall for!  She seems to be able to talk herself out or into anything which is a worry at the tender age of 3.

She thinks that she 'needs' to climb across the back of the sofas and jump from the arms as it is the walk to the 'nursery' to pick up her dolly.  She 'needs' to take medicine spoons to give dolly her medicine then has to come back for a second and third as the others are dirty.  She has to wear her plastic princess heels around the house as she is off to work and that is what Mummy wears to work.

She looks at me with eyes that makes her seem older than her years sometimes as she negotiates things.  I told her we could go swimming after nursery but not to tell her older sibling.  Her response, 'Ok mummy, but she will see my wet hair so we will have to dry it.'  How can a 3 year have so much forward thought??!

Bedtimes are becoming a strain again.  She just walks straight back out of bed.  Last night, I said I was going downstairs and that was that.  She came down and stood in the hallway screaming for 15 minutes until I picked her and took her back upstairs.  Before you ask, I was unable to do it sooner as I was preparing dinner and every time her Dad went near her she screamed even louder. Once back in her room, she stops crying and starts talking;
'Mummy, can I just come downstairs for 2 minutes?'
'No, it is time for bed and I need to have dinner.'
'I will be very quiet and I could lay the table for you?'
'No it is fine, Daddy can lay the table, you just get some sleep.'
She looked at me and tried a different angle
'Mummy, I love you, can I have a cuddle?'  You cannot reject that can you?!
We have a cuddle and I start to leave the room,
'Mummy, can I come in your bed?'
'It is about time you started staying in your bed.'
'But when its morning, I need a cuddle so can I come and cuddle you?'
'Only if it is the morning, not too early.'
'Well, I can check at the window and if it is light, I will come and cuddle you.'
'Ok' I say and leave. 

As I walk down the stairs I realise that she has managed to talk her way into my bed again.  I was distracted by dinner cooking and just agreed.  True to her word, it was light outside when she came in our bed.  I am unsure of the time as I am so use to her climbing in our bed now.  That should not be the case and I wish I had the energy to take her back!!

Any thoughts or ideas how I can keep her in her bed, please let me know.

She may be a little crazy but she is a beautiful little girl.  Both my little ladies are and I am grateful for everyday I have with them.

Monday, 9 May 2011

House selling continues

We have decided to sell our house and make one final move.  The house went on the market about 4 weeks ago and the first buyer through the door, offered what we were looking for and it was all fine.  2 weeks down the line, they pulled out, citing the reason as they could not add much value to the house.  To me that is something they should have contemplated before they offered!  They wasted my time and their own.

So we went back on the market.  2 weeks later, 4 viewings and that's it!  I know the market is slow but is it really this slow?! The agent is surprised too, he cannot understand the lack of viewings across the board not just with me (I think that is suppose to make me feel better).

The house stays clean and my life continues to be in a weird limbo.  It is frustratingly boring selling a house.  You are putting your most valuable possession on show for others to wander around and decide if you have produced a good enough place for them to then invest their money in.  You can see it from both sides, the seller 'not much wrong with the house', the buyer, 'well I would change this and this and I cannot have a radiator under a window' yes someone really did use that as a reason!

It is an expensive decision and not one I would want anyone to take lightly.  I just hope someone decides to go ahead and offer again so that we can get this move moving.

I am sooooo impatient!

Anxiety and Conginitive Behavioural Therapy

So this week I start a new treatment of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy.   I am excited and apprehensive.  I want it to work, I really do; but what if it doesn't?  and I am stuck in a cycle forever?
Positive thoughts - I need this to work.  I need to break the cycle so I can take my children out and relax when I do it.   So they do not always feel I am rushing them through things just to get home again or cancelling before we go and letting them down.

12 weeks of therapy will hopefully help me understand more and work things through in my head more. Fingers crossed!