Friday, 11 February 2011

Yes I suffer from Anxiety and Depression!

Oooooo that felt quite  a relief to write the title!  I was going to make a seperate blog just for my mental health issues but after some thought, I do not see the need.  Those issues are who make me who I am and to accept them is to accept me.  So they need to be one of the same.  The longer I keep them seperate, the harder it will be to ultimately defeat.

Just a quick background to my issues, I first suffered from Depression during the pregnancy of my first daughter.  This developed into post-natal depression and anxiety issues that ultimately stopped me living.  A few years after my daughter was born, I got help and started anti-depressants.  I saw a councellor who was great but after a few sessions, I thought I had cracked it.  After 10 months of medication, I stopped and carried on with my life. 

Now I don't know who is reading this or what drew you to my blog, but I wonder if you can relate to the following.  I spent the next few years trying to fill something in my life.  Not sure what that something was but I was always trying to 'get somewhere'.  I still had periods of 'down' but I do not feel I was depressed.  I built a bubble around myself and limited my life and my families life.  I became very good at saying no to events and always had an excuse.  If not, I was good at getting ill.......

After the birth of my second child, the anxiety appeared properly again and I realised that enough was enough.  I could not even go shopping for the weekly groceries!  I needed help.  I went to the doctor and have been put on lighter tablets so I can still function and work through issues myself.  I did a quick course of congnitive behavioural therapy and am just waiting for the next stage. 

I have been on the medication about 18 months now and I do not see an end at the moment.  Things are getting better but I am battling it all myself.  I have a couple of close friends I can talk to which is great.  My family do not talk about it with me, I tell my mum about appointments and she sounds supportive but like my husband, I know they think I should 'snap out of it'.  Now don't get me wrong, I love my parents and my husband dearly but I fully understand where they are coming from.  They have the mind set I had before I sort help the first time, hence the delay.  It is all the questions on the logical side of your brain 'why are you freaking out?' 'what is wrong with jumping on a train?' 'why won't you go out for a meal or to the pub?'.  If I cannot answer those questions, how can I explain it to them.

For that reason, I keep a lot of it to myself.  I do not want to bore them with the day to day living of anxiety but I know I need to get it out, hence the blog.  I am looking forward to continuing my treatment so I can live a more 'normal' life.  I want my children to remember a fun filled childhood not one where mummy wouldn't go out.

If you too suffer, feel free to contact me to talk about it.  I really feel, talking is the way forward.