I have not been keeping up with the blogging of the therapy mainly as there was a lapse in my therapy due to holidays etc plus the sessions are getting quite personal now. I am condensing the sessions so as not to bore you with all the details but so you still get the gist of what is happening.
Session 5 and 6 have been about building me up as a person. Not in a vain sort of way but tackling the inner bully that keeps telling me I am useless and stupid and totally in capable of doing anything. My therapist wants me to keep writing up the thought records I blogged about before and now I know why. She looks through what I have written and challenges my reactions to situations. My fear comes in many forms so let me outline one, I had a panic attack on the way to my sister in law's birthday party. An event like this is not something that would bother most people, but for me it does. I did manage to get there and we stayed a few hours, even though I felt terrible with nausea, cramps and internal shaking. Where I should have felt proud of myself, I had this underlying annoyance with myself. I was angry that the attack had started, could not understand why it had and more importantly I felt stupid.
Here lies my problem. I never seem to 'cut myself any slack' or have any compassion for me and my feelings. I see them as wrong or stupid which underpin my whole feelings towards myself. On the outside I like to be strong and 'normal' but inside I am not........
How to tackle that voice though? That is the big thing now. The therapist told me I need to start being positive with myself and actually understanding what I am saying and the sub-concious effects it is having! Good luck me!!
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Thank you for posting